Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Could a Simple Chemistry Lesson be at the Heart of a Winning Formula for England at the World Cup?



To win a football match, by way of scoring more goals than the opposing side, and in doing so by keeping within the laws of the game.


a) 16 players (11 of whom must only be on the field of play at the start of the game)
b) Management team + a bench
c) Matching shirts + shorts + socks (players must provide their own footwear)
d) Seeded grass area with the appropriate markings in white paint
e) Two standard sized goals with netting
f) One official 'Jabulani' adidas ball
g) Flags on sticks
h) One referee + whistle + watch + coloured cards
i) Two assistant referees + flags
j) One further official + display board
k) Crowd of paying spectators (optional)



1/ Pick one goalkeeper, 4 defenders, 3 or 4 midfield players and 2 or 3 strikers, up to a maximum of 11 players. There is no limit to how many players you can pick from any one club.

2/ Use a tactical formation familiar to the squad selected for the tournament. We shall call this 'Plan A.'
Do not be afraid to experiment if necessary.

3/ Prepare for different scenarios on the training pitch to accommodate even the unlikeliest of events. Remember practice makes perfect

4/ Have a 'Plan B' in case Plan A is not working.

5/ Name your starting XI more than two hours before kick-off. For example, tell them over breakfast (Continental or English style) on the day of a game that starts at 3pm.

6/ Be open with YOUR players. Express your opinions and thoughts to them, and in turn allow them to convey their views and share with you any underlying issues they may have. Bond with them as if they were your family.

7/ At the end of the day do NOT forget YOU are the boss!


1/ Once the game has begun, pass the ball to your fellow players (those in the same coloured shirts as yourself), rather than to the opponents.

2/ Move the ball in a forward direction whenever possible.

3/ Continue to play the ball back and forth to your team-mates until the final movement of the ball results in the (whole of the) ball crossing a white line painted between two upright sticks 12 yards apart. This is called a goal!

4/ Do your utmost to stop the opposition from doing likewise (legally of course).

5/ After a goal is scored YOU may then run around and celebrate in whatever fashion floats YOUR boat. Be warned - do NOT remove YOUR shirt in celebration or jump into the crowd. These are law breaking offences and could also result in injury. However YOU may perform acrobatics, themed dance routines, kiss, hug, point, cup your ear and shake your booty if you so wish.

6/ Remember a WAG is NOT for life, so sharing a WAG is at the owners discretion. Do NOT do to someone else what YOU would not like done to yourself. Be polite and always ask (JT) first!


Not known at the time of writing, as kick-off is still some 15 hours away. However the bookmakers odds are as follows:

England to win 4/9
Match Drawn 10/3
Slovenia to win 15/2

(Odds supplied courtesy of Betfred)


An England win and they qualify for a place in the last 16.

Any other result and the express jet will be fuelled and ready to transport the 'prima donnas' to a safe house for their own protection, and a brown envelope containing a document labelled 'P45' will be winging its way to the Italian, Mr. 'not so fabio' Capello, c/o The FA, the governing body of association football in England.

Any questions???


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