Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Physio Room - Injury Update

Click on the 'Link' below to see which Premier League footballers are currently suffering from a winter chill & instead of playing this weekend they will visit their local School of Performing Arts’ - all extremely relevant to 90 minutes on the football pitch - believe me!
Their amateur dramatics will come under scrutiny as they practice/rehearse & act out the following series of comedies & tragedies this weekend:

Collapsing as if shot, stabbed or poisoned – This can be done with the re-enactment of any of the following famous assassinations: JFK in 1963, Malcolm X in 1965, Martin Luther King in 1968 or Alexander Litvinenko in 2006.
(All with the sole aim of winning a penalty or a free-kick at worst, for nothing more than a tap on the ankle, a slip on the turf, or the waving of a finger by an opponent).

Simulation & Manipulation – Practice this by rolling around on cushioned gym mats, clutching a bodily part combined with a well rehearsed but convincing grimacing face.
(Feigning injury in an attempt to get an opponent carded &/or sent-off).

Performing Imaginary Card Tricks – Practice for this involves the removal of an imaginary coloured card from ones pocket & then to display it forcefully at another individual by raising it skywards,
(An attempt to further enhance the thoughts of a referee on how to deal with the preceding event, usually a foul, by means of producing an imaginary card, in a cynical attempt get a fellow pro booked or sent from the field of play).

Timing & Facial Expressions – With the help of other performing art students they must brush up on their timing & facial expressions by lining up in a row & on the word ‘go’ they must move forward together & raise an arm pointing skywards & shout simultaneously ‘off’ whilst glaring menacingly.
This must be done in a confident professional manner for maximum results. Timing of the raising of arms is critical & the ‘stare’ must be convincing in a threatening way. With that a nonchalant nod of the head must follow.
(A back-four trying to claim that an opposition player is in an offside position, even if they were knowingly not. This is particular effective using a steely glare at the linesman & a nonchalant nod of the head at the referee in a manner which makes the linesman feel intimidated enough to give the decision in your favour & the referee convinced you must be right because you look so cock-sure of yourself).

We name and shame them...........!


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