Crystal Palace Football Club Squad List - 2013/14

Goalkeepers:

#1.Julian Speroni - Age 34 - Date Signed: 12 Jul, 2004.
#25.Neil Alexander - Age 35 - Date Signed 15 Aug, 2013.
#34.Lewis Price - Age 29 - Date Signed: 29 Jul, 2010.

Defenders:

#2.Joel Ward - Age 23 - Date Signed: 30 May, 2012.
#3.Jack Hunt - Age 22 - Date Signed: 02 Sep, 2013.
#4.Jonathan Parr - Age 24 - Date Signed: 16 Jul, 2011.
#5.Patrick McCarthy - Age 30 - Date Signed: 12 Jun, 2008.
#19.Danny Gabbidon - Age 34 - Date Signed 16 Sep, 2012.
#21.Dean Moxey - Age 27 - Date Signed: 31 Jan, 2011.
#23.Florian Marange - Age 27 - Date Signed: 16 Aug, 2013. (Released by mutual consent)
#25.Darcy Blake - Age 24 - Date Signed: 24 Aug, 2012. (Not in final 25 man squad)
#26.Mathew Parsons - Age 21 - Date Signed: 01 Jul, 2010. (Not in final 25 man squad)
#27.Damien Delaney - Age 32 - Date Signed: 31 Aug, 2012.
#28.Peter Ramage - Age 29 - Date Signed: 8 Aug 2012. (Season long loan deal to Barnsley)
#28.Adrian Mariappa - Age 26 - Date Signed: 03 Sept, 2013.
#36.Alex Wynter - Age 19 - Date Signed: 01 Jan, 2010. (Not in final 25 man squad)

Midfielders:

#6.José Campaña - Age 20 - Date Signed: 13 Jul, 2013.
#7.Yannick Bolasie - Age 24 - Date Signed: 24 Aug, 2012.
#8.Kagisho Dikachoi - Age 28 - Date Signed: 04 Jul, 2011.
#10.Owen Garvan - Age 25 - Date Signed: 04 Aug, 2010. (Not in final 25 man squad)
#12.Stuart O'Keefe - Age 22 - Date Signed: 18 Aug, 2010.
#13.Jason Puncheon - Age 27 - Date Signed 21 Aug, 2013. (Signed on a 1 year loan deal from Southampton)
#14.Jerome Thomas - Age 30 - Date Signed: 01 Jul, 2013.
#15.Mile Jedinak - Age 29 - Date Signed: 11 Jul, 2011.
#20.Jonathan Williams - Age 19 - Date Signed: 01 Jul, 2011.
#22.Jimmy Kébé - Age 29 - Date Signed: 31 Aug, 3013.
#24.Elliott Grandin - Age 25 - Date Signed: 02 Aug, 2013.
#37.Hiram Boateng - Age 17 - Date Signed: 01 Jul, 2012. (Not in final 25 man squad)
#44.Adlène Guedioura - Age 27 - Date Signed: 04 Sep, 2013.
#18.Barry Bannan - Age 23 - Date Signed: 02 Sep, 2013).

Strikers:

#9. Kevin Phillips - Age 40 - Date Signed: 20 Jul, 2013.
#11.Stephen Dobbie - Age 30 - Date Signed: 01 Jul, 2013. (On loan to Blackpool until 31 Dec 2013)
#16.Dwight Gayle - Age 23 - Date Signed: 03 Jul, 2013.
#17.Glenn Murray - Age 29 - Date Signed: 31 May, 2011. (Not in final 25 man squad)
#18.Aaron Wilbraham - Age 33 - Date Signed: 04 Jul, 2012. (Not in final 25 man squad)
#29.Marouane Chamakah - Age 29 - Date Signed: 12 Aug, 2013 (Signed on a 1 year deal from Arsenal).
#30.Cameron Jerome - Age 27 - Date Signed: 03 Sep, 2013. (Signed on a season long loan from Stoke City).
#32.Kwesi Appiah - Age 23 - Date Signed 31 Jan, 2012. (On loan to Cambridge United)
#33.Ibra Sekajja - Age 20 - Date Signed: 01 Jul, 2010. (Not in final 25 man squad)
#35.Kyle De Silva - Age 19 - Date Signed: 01 Jan, 2012. (Not in final 25 man squad)


*This page will be updated accordingly in the event of any new signings.


Management Team:

Manager: Ian Holloway
Assistant Manager: Keith Millen
Strength and Conditioning Coach: Scott Guyett
Goalkeeping Coach: George Wood
Club Doctor: Bill Jasper
Head Physiotherapist: Alex Manos
Assistant Physiotherapist: John Stannard
Soft Tissue Therapist: Chris Harvey
Kit Manager: Brian Rogers

How To Woo Athletic Sporty Women!

Athletic sportswomen are generally hot, but they are often strong and fast, and some guys find this intimidating. Not you though......you're a real man! You like a woman that can open a jar of pickles using just one hand. But how do you win over a woman who possibly views you as weedy or emaciated, and who grew up with several older brothers that she beat up on a regular basis?

Here's the secret guys: It's less about your muscles and more about your character.

Here's a step-by-step guide to winning over that athletic beauty of your dreams!



Step 1: The first date: 


She's very competitive. Lose to her in table football and make it appear as if you lost on purpose, even though you really would have lost anyway.

Step 2: Compliment her beauty: 

Tell her she is "statuesque." Never say she is "big," or or "similar to the Hulk." Tell her she's "toned and sexy," like Jelena Abbou or Cori Nadine, and that she should star in her own exercise video series, which you will own of course and recommend to all your pals.


Step 3: Name the major muscles as you caress her rock-hard body:


Impress her with your anatomical knowledge: "And now I will squeeze the glutes, which are very toned and sexy, and make my way to the pectoral muscles, which are likewise toned and sexy."

Step 4: Massage her feet:


Active women love a good foot massage, and they have beautiful feet from wearing sneakers all the time. Squeeze the arches and pay special attention to her toes. Preen each toe like it's a celebutante. Tug it, separate it from the others and remove the sock lint, if necessary.


Step 5: Choose one of her legs: 


Cuddle into it, the way any lonely man cuddles a body pillow. Just get right in there. Gently lick a dollop of whipped cream off her field hockey bruise.



Step 7: If she has a ruptured ACL:


You need to take a sledgehammer to your own knee, just like how you need to wear a balloon under your shirt during pregnancy.


Step 6: Have a protein shake ready right after sex: 


Fill that glycogen window.
You could even have the blender going while you make the beast with two backs. Just get that post-coital wheat germ shake inside both of your bodies as soon as possible.



Step 8: Tell her that she must have been carved from the hugest diamond at Tiffany's: 


Or just compare her calves to diamonds, then sprinkle actual diamonds on top of them. Propose marriage. Remember, athletic women are not trophy wives......they win trophies!


#Good luck lads!

*You may also be interested to read an an article I wrote back in October 2010 entitled:

 "The Top 5 Signs that your Girlfriend is a Gold Digger!" 
or
an article I wrote in January 2010 entitled: 
The 'Beer, Footy and Birds' Bog Standard Guide to Snaring Celebrity Eye-Candy

Babe of the Month - Clerical Error!

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