Thursday, October 18, 2007

'From Russia With Love' - The Kremlin

To the Enklish editor.

Good Evenin Zar,
May I say a chilly hallo from Moscow.
I vill keep this brief but I have many peoples to thank.

Thank The Enklish feetball team, I have niver bin to Austria or Switzerland.

Thank McClaren (Steve not Mercedes).

Thank Muddlesbrough for giving you McClaren.

Thank Paul 'Anne Bancroft' Robinson.

Thank referee Luis Medina Vantalejo, sponsored by Abramovich.

Thank the Enklish FA for agreeing to play on plastik.

Thank you....again to McClaren for being cumpletely taktically inept.

Thank the fans for spinding your hard earned loose change in our City and getting a beeting, on and off the pitche.

Thank you....Macedonia for zero-zero at Old Trafford last October.

Thank you....again to the FA for flooding your League viv foreigners and we for flooding the pitche.

Hail.....Tchaikovsky, Pushkin, Tolstoy, Chekhov, Yeltsin, Putin, Gorbachev, Catherine the Great, Brezhnev, Korbut, Sharapova, Karpov, Kasparov, Bubka, name but a few!

God bless: The Queen, Brown, Prescott, Livingstone, Benny Hill, Brotherhood of Man, Porky Parry, The BBC........

You Enklish people, hinjoy next Summer.
Don't think Austria and Switzerland, more Alton Towers and Southend-on-Sea.

Have a large Stolichnaya on us, and thank you.

Vladamir Rosstoffski

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Fashionably Fed-Up!

On a busy commuter train home from London the other evening I overheard a fascinating conversation between two middle-aged guys.
One was telling the other how he had been out in a bar the previous evening, and an attractive vivacious woman he had never met before came up to him completely out of the blue and openly asked him if he was a Londoner.
Before he could answer she said, "You must be, you look fed-up."

People pre-suppose the hypothesis that smiling is good for you because it makes you appear more attractive!
I suppose it is probably safe to say smiling temporarily relieves stress, and by smiling it in turn raises the cheekbones and reduces that wrinkled effect on the face that tends to be associated with a puckered brow.

I presume the logic behind this theory emanates from the hip, sun soaked, well chiselled plastic fantastic inhabitants of Cali-for-ni-a, who have never done the 'commuting lark' on a daily basis!

Some of the world's so called most attractive men are a bunch of cantankerous morose individuals.
Take actors Clive Owen and Colin Firth, or ex-Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho. They all have contorted faces that ooze pain and anguish, as if they are required to help solve or ease the issues of third world debt!

Some of the world's most gorgeous or lusted after women have or have had partners with visibly grumpy faces.
Look no further than Madonna's hubby Guy Richie or Kate Moss's ex squeeze Pete Doherty and her latest flame James Hince. All of them sour faced and glum looking.

So perhaps smiling is 'overrated.'

If you go to a bar in London and stand there looking bored, at best irritated you become the 'object of desire' - sophisticated, powerful with an air of supremacy.
It has almost become acceptable to display an aloofness towards someone who has caught your eye by pretending not to notice them or by ignoring them. A form of reverse psychology.

Perhaps 'rejection is fast becoming an aphrodisiac'

So if your keen look mean!

Now I don't smile a great deal myself and I know this for a fact because for years it has been remarked upon, although more often than not it has been done so in a polite manner rather than a vulgar or critical one.

So after hearing this two-way conversation on the chuffer, on my arrival home I immediately headed straight for the bathroom.
I turned on the light switch above my shaving mirror rather than the main one.
I feel it works as a safety net mechanism by diluting the intensity of what the main light might reveal.
However I still couldn't hide from my reflection. I was indeed looking awful - gaunt, haggard, drawn, ghost like, macabre!

Yes I WAS definitely looking at the 'epitome of a native Londoner.'

Friday, October 05, 2007

'My Goal Of The Week' - Elano Blumer for Manchester City

Now I know how all footy fans love to see a 'special goal' perhaps a bicycle kick, a long mazy run involving beating several players before unleashing an unstoppable shot, a diving header, a long range volley, a sublime piece of ball trickery, etc.......but sometimes you can't beat a stupendous free-kick hit with fearsome power and deadly precision.

That is why this week I have selected 'My Goal of the Week' as just such a gem. It was scored by Manchester City's Brazilian international midfielder Elano Blumer, (right) during their 3-1 victory against Newcastle on 29th September 2007.

It was the 26 year old's first goal for City since his Summer transfer from Ukranian side Shakhtar Donetsk.

As you will see from the video the ball was hit from nearly 35 yards out, and was travelling at a speed of 76mph.

Some dead-ball strike!

Click on the 'Link' below to see Blumer's stunning free-kick!


Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Watch The Clip Of Last Saturday's Superb Sky Sports Soccer AM Soccerettee 'Millie'

Saturday's Sky Soccer AM was a stonker!

How do I know......well the planned awayday to see my beloved 'Eagles' was aborted due to unforeseen circumstances.
Basically one of the lads accidentally 'cocked up' the travel arrangements to Burnley. In a nutshell he bought train tickets for this week, not last week!
We've all done it haven't we......I think!

However it did enable me to get to watch the whole of the show, in it entirety for a change.

This week's Soccer AM Soccerette was the enchanting Millie. She was 26, apparently single and from Cheshire.

All good so far!

That was until she appeared from behind those sliding doors......stood in all her glory wearing of all things, a Man U shirt!

Immediately I lept off the settee and began berating the TV.
No I yelled, please tell me I'm seeing things, this can't be true, something, call social services, call a doctor, anything!

Why I hear you cry?

A Man U fan from the North-West for heaven's sake, that's why!
As far as I was aware all Man U fans live in places nowhere near Greater Manchester. They are more likely to be found in far flung geographical locations usually requiring a 'Lonely Planet' guide book, such as Barnsley, Biarritz, Beijing, Bangkok or Bombay.

I digress. Also making a cameo appearance with Millie the Soccerette was the well rounded Neil 'Razor' Ruddock, who I have to mention I also saw on TV this week, on what can only be described as a bizarre but mildly amusing 'Celebrity Wife Swap.' The ex-footy player was with his very own piece of eye-candy in the shape of a twenty something glamour model. No surprise there then!
The unexpected but entertaining aspect of this particular wife-swap programme was that 'Razor' had to go and spend a week with Pete 'You Spin Me Right Round Baby' Burns, while Pete's male partner spent the week with 'Razors' rather alluring other half.

Anyway back to Soccer AM and after calming myself down with a beer, Millie went on to remove the offending red shirt thus displaying her ample charms, before elegantly parading down the 'runway.'
In addition she also showed off a couple of her very own party tricks. The splits in high heels followed by a demonstration of the 'bridge' body position.......leaving 'Razor' gooey eyed and foaming at the mouth, and me just open-mouthed and feeling old!

So if you missed that part of the show on Saturday, for whatever reason or want to see it again, then just click on the 'Link' below, and see Millie in a variety of positions.

Luxuriate in!


Monday, October 01, 2007